Looking Back at February 2017: Absolute Heartbreak, Friends and the Future

Ah, hello little blog. Long time no see.

You may have noticed in my January look back that I was feeling motivated and getting ready to take on February.

Yeah. That didn’t happen.

In fact, February ended up being a whole month of feeling crap, crying my eyes out and not being able to sleep.

My boyfriend of almost 7 years ended our relationship. And it was shit. Absolute shit. Nothing bad happened, no shouting matches, there was no scandal. He just decided it was time to end things and let me spread my wings and start a new chapter in my life. He was incredibly kind to me, which probably made things harder. Why couldn’t he give me a reason to hate him instead?

As dramatic as it sounds, I cried myself to sleep every night. I had to leave my TV on as I drifted off because I couldn’t stay in silence with my thoughts. I refused to leave the house for the first few days and had no appetite at all. I found myself imagining ways I could win him back. I wanted to text him and pester him to come back to me. I wanted to do everything I would advise someone else not to do.

I didn’t even tell anyone for a week, just in case things changed. I pretended everything was fine and happily smiled whenever people mentioned him, and I told stories as if we were still together.

And when it reached day 8, I realised I couldn’t keep it up any longer. So I decided to tweet about it, to get it off my chest. And just like that, the pain eased a little. Only very slightly, but it was a step towards accepting it.

Then all of a sudden, my notifications just wouldn’t stop. I was seriously inundated with tweets sending love and wishes and checking in on me. I counted. Literally hundreds of you took the time out to tweet me a message and send me some love.

I even received private messages from people who didn’t even know me, telling me their stories of heartbreak and things they’ve been through. People opened up to me and did everything they could to make me feel better.

How amazing is that?

It’s incredible that so many people would want to try and lift my spirits, and let me know I wasn’t alone. It still amazes me to think of it now.

My family and friends pulled it out of the bag too. They planned sleepovers for me, came straight round to my house, organised bingo dates and pizza nights. Little things to keep me busy. And it worked.

And a shout out goes to my mum who sat and stroked my hair whilst I lounged on the sofa sobbing, who knew when I just needed a cuddle from the look on my face and kept me sane and healthy on the really bad days. Actual life saver.

People have been asking me if it’s getting easier. Honestly, the answer is no. Easier isn’t the word. But the number of good days in between the bad is becoming more and more, and I find I can smile at the little things again.

Something’s clicked and I’m feeling positive. I’m hurting, but there’s a spark of excitement for a new adventure too. I can focus on myself, my amazing job, my incredible friends, and my desire to explore the planet I live on.

After spending so many years with him, this is the first time I’ve been single since I was a teenager, so I’m learning to live life as a single, home-owning adult. And it’s scary. But it’s an adventure.

And if there’s one thing I’ve learned from this, it’s that people hide heartbreak. I did for over a week. To anyone else I looked happy, carefree and like nothing was wrong. In reality I was in agony. It just proves that you can never know what someone is going through underneath their facade.

So be kind to people. Think before you get impatient with someone. Be nice to strangers you happen to come across in life. Don’t be afraid to say something or do something to put a smile on someone’s face.

Now, here’s to March. A new month, a new season and a new chapter of my story. Starting with a trip to London for a second year of Walker Stalker Con with my brother and a flight to France with Mumma Gibbs.

And remember, what will be, will be. Fate works in mysterious ways.

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