The real reasons people aren’t playing Pokemon GO

You can’t escape it. It’s everywhere. Pokémon GO. You know the one I mean. The one causing people to walk around like zombies with their faces glued to their phone. And then causing other people to sit upon their high horse and tell people they’re “childish” or “geeks” for playing it. And these people might be getting their own way as I heard on the radio on Wednesday that Pokémon Go gameplay is down by 79%. A whopping 79%! I’ve been racking my brain to try and figure out why these people are so against Pokémon Go. I think I’ve cracked it…

WARNING: For those of  you that can’t pick up sarcasm, this post is sarcastic. I freakin’ love Pokemon GO. People should start playing it again. Please.

1. It’s free. And who wants something that’s free?! We work for our money goddamnit and we want to spend it on casinos, expensive food, unnecessary accessories and online gambling.

2. You get outdoors more. Sunlight, fresh air. Please, no. We can’t do that to ourselves.

3. It’s good exercise, but doesn’t feel like it. This app is fooling us into exercising and walking more. What an outrage. Our sofas and cars will feel left out, they’ll turn against us and take over the world, Christine-style.

4. You make friends. Yes, it’s easier to talk to strangers knowing they are fellow Pokémon catchers. But who wants friends? I don’t want to have to remember people’s names, and have them make me laugh, and work as a team to take over a gym. I can do this solo. I don’t need anyone to be nice to me, okay?!

5. It’s made a younger generation appreciate Pokémon. I’ve been a fan of Pokémon for years, but this outrageous app means that people born after the nineties are discovering the amazing pocket monsters now too. Well no. THEY’RE OURS, NOT YOURS.

6. People stopped worrying about the EU Ref outcome. Pokémon GO was conveniently released after the EU Referendum split the nation in half. The nation soon began to rekindle their solidarity by joining forces to catch Pokémon. We want people to be sad and angry again with lots of hateful, opinionated tweets flying around the web please.

7. It’s helped small businesses, libraries, charities and churches get noticed. They’re using Pokémon GO against us. We’re being tricked into entering places that give us knowledge, hobbies and the opportunity to help others. Totally immoral.

8. It’s fun. We need to be responsible. We cannot spend our time having fun. It’s positively scandalous. This happiness needs to stop.

Lol, I’m deffs totally joking. Anyone Team Instinct? 😎